i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.