[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
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“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Just a bush.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Safety first
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
i baked you a cake
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards