Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
God, I love Scotland
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut