The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Festive toon…
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?