Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Livid.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.