Storm Tropical Storm
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Cardio Made Easy
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked