which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up