I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.