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They’re the only culture some people have.
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if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”