I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
*gets down on one knee*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks