my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
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Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set