ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*