Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit