People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Mouse
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please