My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
You Might Also Like
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.