[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen