wait.
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Basketball
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.