The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.