Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…