Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
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I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.