girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
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Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon