my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
You Might Also Like
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Yup!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.