ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
More like Kate Missington.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
That’s not how days work.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Well, this explains it:
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”