[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.