Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.