KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME