My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
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[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.