I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?