I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.