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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.