I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.