I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
You Might Also Like
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it