So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
oh my god
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Never forget.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”