All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]