Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.