Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Sorry. Not sorry
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.