“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.