Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta