my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
They grow up so quick
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder