Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
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Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Damn he played himself
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em