[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Why is this me 😫
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*