Europe. Made in Germany.
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
When you’ve simply given up.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.