There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.