Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
this was the best i’ve ever seen
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?