Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
did it work
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.