ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
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Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Not even remotely sorry.