Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.