How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Stop.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.