I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
PLOT TWIST:
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket