“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
this has done me in for some reason
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Bring back the McRib
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!